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I dread the weeks and days leading up to follow-up appointments.

As a cancer survivor, it often feels like the label “cancer patient” is a permanent part of my identity. Even though it’s been over six years since my diagnosis and five years since my treatment ended, I still find myself seeing my oncologist every six months and my specialist once a year. I take medication daily (if I remember to pick it up from the pharmacy), and I’m constantly reminded of my past.

During my treatment, I was remarkably calm and focused. It was what it was. But now, as I navigate the realm of post-treatment, my anxiety has shifted. With the intense treatments behind me, the uncertainty of follow-up appointments and the possibility of recurrence weigh heavily on my mind. The routine is simple now—medication and regular check-ups—but it lacks the structure and certainty of the treatment phase. Back then, I had a clear plan. Now, the unknowns are the hardest part, echoing the anxious waiting I felt when I first discovered the lump.

I often find myself spiraling down rabbit holes. A reel on social media about someone with terminal cancer can send me into a frenzy of research—what type did they have? Did it start like mine? Did it recur? I try to find any difference to reassure myself that it won’t be my story. This week, my deep dive into these concerns left me mentally drained and exacerbated my semi-annual scanxiety.

I have an appointment with my doctors at the end of February, and I’m considering requesting an MRI for some extra peace of mind. Although it’s not required—since they already perform comprehensive tests and exams—they would prescribe it if I feel it’s necessary. My reconstruction has left me with scar tissue, making my breasts lumpy, and occasional flare-ups in my underarms spark worries about lymph nodes. While an MRI is an expensive reassurance, it might be worth it for my peace of mind.

Some days, the worry fades into the background. Other days, it consumes me. I’m hoping a refreshing hike with my boys will help clear my mind and bring some calm.

Featured image courtesy of DepositPhotos artist: Ola-Ola